I used to be cool, I swear
Sunday, June 7th, 2009
You know what? I used to be a pretty cool guy. The guys and I used to be “Top Gun cool”, minus the fighter jets. I would take cross country trips, hang out at the river until all hours of the night, parties, living the fast life, the list goes on and on.
The story I’m about to tell you will show my fall from the graces of cool.
It all began with my oldest daughter Annalyse and the “Poopy Diaper Incident”. At the age of 25, I had never changed a diaper before. My wife Amanda notified me that I had to learn and what better timing. At that very moment, I could see the strain on my daughter’s face as she was unleashing a foulish stench that would bring a tear to a coal miner’s eye.
Amanda laid Annalyse on the floor as I stared and pondered the battle that lay ahead. It was a scene out of an Old West movie. We locked eyes as a tumbleweed slowly tumbled across the living room floor. Neither her nor I made a move for what seemed like an eternity.
Finally, I made my way towards her, the stench growing stronger with every step. I sit down, not knowing how this moment will change me for the rest of my life. I hesitate slightly before opening this container of filth.
Meanwhile, my wife is saying things like, “Quit being a chicken”, “It’s not that bad”.
I amp my self up by telling myself, “I can do this, I’m gonna show her”. So, I gather my courage and wits, because I need to stay focused. I’ve heard the stories of fathers being lost at diaper if the aren’t prepared and attentive during this undertaking.
I open the diaper and at first I see a little smear. All of the sudden, the smell from before is amplified by ten fold. I begin gagging and dry heaving uncontrollably. I know I need to get this done and try to wipe her bottom only to get poop on the top and side of my hand.
At this point, I about lose it. My stomach muscles are strained from the heaving and I go blind for a moment, because my gag reflex has induced tears. I wasn’t sure if i was going to make it.
Finally, I regain my senses. Meanwhile, Amanda is laughing so hard she is crying and saying, “I’m gonna pee, I’m gonna pee!” I thank God that her poop was little. I made a few more wipes and slapped on a diaper that looked a little crooked as Amanda threw the “Diaper of Doom” away.
A little later, as I reminiced about my job well done, I realized that I wasn’t as cool as I thought I was. I was fearless in years past, until that moment. It was a humbling experience.
Since then, I’ve gone to battle against Annalyse’s and Kamdyn’s bodily fluids and solids. I’ve been peed on, dug poop out of the tub, picked boogers, wiped snot, etc.
Though I’m not as cool as I once was, as just a guy hanging out with the fellas, I know I’m a pretty cool dad.
